You have stayed at this mountain long enough. It is time to break camp and move on.
-Deuteronomy 1:6-7
2007.
Wow. Where do I begin?
The Lord is leading me to be REAL transparent with this one. This is my testimony. Some of my friends thought they knew, but had no idea, lol! Most of my blogs give you a look at where I am now in my Christ-walk, but none share how Jesus became my love song…
This year began with my family and me in the living room praying for God to end our struggles. We were holding on to the thought of 2007 being the year of completion and allowing God to take full control in our lives. At that time I was broke and jobless. In September ’06 I believed the Lord was leading me to leave my place of employment-no further instructions, just “time to go,” lol! I had nothing lined up, but I left out of obedience Since I really didn’t know how to explain it to others, I lied about it.
I was in a dead-end relationship and did not know where it was going. While being in this dead-end relationship, I kept my options open by talking to random people. Nothing happened- but I saw this before they started- but hey, I was bored! I had a brand new, used car with a full tank of gas that had to sit for three months because of insurance issues. I was still responsible for the car note, insurance payments, credit card bills, a cell phone bill, and other general expenses. I was so depressed. I felt like God had left me, yet somehow I felt like he was still there and just trying to get my attention.
But I ignored him.
So I continued to do me. Because I was bored, I put a lot of time into the dead-end relationship. I tried to use it as a release. Yeah, I was wrong, but I had already been in it for almost four years and I was determined to get my wasted time back somehow. Mind you, the Lord had already brought me out of the situation not once, but twice before… but I kept allowing him to come back! The situation was so uncomfortable. I allowed him to mess up my birthday.
My birthday?!
Not once, not twice, but three years in a row! I kept trying to find reasons to leave, but at that point, it felt like bondage. Like I had 
no control over the situation, or how I would get out of it again. SO, since I felt “stuck”, I was determined to make it work. It’s like watching a baby play with blocks. Yeah, it’s cute(for a minute) to watch them try to squeeze the circle shaped block into the triangular block’s space; However, if you saw a grown man or woman doing it…
Yup, I was the grown woman forcing the circle block into the triangle’s space.
Still jobless with bill collectors stalking me. Still taking SEPTA in the snow with a car full of gas sitting in the back of my house. Still going through stuff with family. Depression was getting heavier. Thoughts of suicide crossed my mind quite a few times. I kept everything inside because I really didn’t believe anyone else could feel where I was coming from. I would read my Bible because I was desperate to hear from God.
For God speaks again and again, though people do not recognize it.
In actuality, he had already spoken to me but it wasn’t what I wanted to hear. I was supposed to trust him through my situation: I had to allow him to keep me financially while being jobless; the relationship needed to go; the random dating needed to stop; I had to wait for the car. I just had to wait.
I wasn’t really tryna hear all that.
All I saw was my situation. I couldn’t see the bigger picture. I only became more frustrated with myself and more depressed in the process. I tried to use the sex in the dead end relationship, alcohol, friends and the Bible- notice how the list flows- to self medicate. Once I got the car back in March, I had a way to escape my problems(I thought, lol). I was OUT!!! Trying to run from me; trying to run from God. There were times when I shouldn’t have been behind the wheel of a car because my state of mind was just that crazy. I went clubbin’-not because I liked to- but because I needed to forget. I needed a get-a-way. I never planned to stay in Philly, so I began to get applications for Master’s programs as far away as possible. I applied for jobs in other states just so I could get away. I applied for jobs in Philly, but every time I believed I had gotten somewhere, God would close the door! The doors that were left open were offering paid what I made before the high school diploma!
Uh, yeah.
I was still playin’ “wifey.” I had become the woman that I despised! So after being alone on Valentine’s Day; after weeks of sporadic contact or time spent; after his birthday came and went, followed by more sporadic time and contact; After reading my Bible right before he would come over or I would go visit him to help me escape temptation…
Something had to give.
Friends really couldn’t be there for me because I wouldn’t allow them to. The one who I had actually discussed spending the rest of my life with wasn’t equipped to help me. Yeah, he helped financially-sometimes-but he couldn’t really minister to my hurt or pain.
May came. It finally hit me. God said to me,” You trust me in your finances, but you won’t trust me in your relationships”.
Whoa. What was that about?!
Then came Deuteronomy 1:6, again.
Ok, Lord, so what do you want from me?
Singleness…
He had already told me that the job would come. The car had already been back. He had carried me thus far financially. But it was this one area of my life that I refused to let go of. I felt that if I did, I would have nothing. I had already felt like I had no life and Philly was never really that exciting to me. Somehow if I held on to this one area I was somehow in control of my life. I really didn’t want this particular relationship, but I wanted God to replace it before I let it go-you know a fallback man, I mean plan, lol!
So we had one last relational encounter that could have and should have been avoided. It felt so empty. At that point, I knew it was time to let it go, but the cord still had not been fully severed. I was tired of thinking up reasons and excuses, and playing detective to find things. But by then things began to come out on their own. I finally stopped answering the phone calls, text messages, and pop up visits…
For some strange reason, after this change of events, I received a letter from my current employer stating that I had got the position I applied for and that it started June 4th.
Coincidence, I think not, lol.
I went to my brother’s graduation, but right before we got there someone hit my car…while it was parked. The person had no insurance.
Anyway, now I was stuck with this dent on the side of my car that I had to pay to have fixed. I was supposed to do this fashion show, but people kept graduating: my brother, my mother, followed by Memorial Day, so I only made a few rehearsals.
Throwin’ my game all off, lol.
June 1st. I went to pick my brother up from school, and on the way back came another accident! Somebody else hit Blue!!! In the very same spot! Driver side door all smashed in! Driver side wheel turned in ways I didn’t know the wheel could turn, lol! Oh God! I couldn’t take it anymore. I was so tempted to just leave the car in the middle of City Ave. and walk home, lol. I had just started driving the car again after it sat for like three months! Who knew how long it would have to sit again!
God works in mysterious ways…
I went to a fashion show rehearsal on June 3rd, but my mind was somewhere else. When I came home, I felt really depressed and uncomfortable. I told God that I was tired of feeling this way and that I was tired of stuff happening to me. I went into a straight-up ugly cry. I felt like I had done everything he had asked of me. I asked him why I was going through all this stuff and what was it that he wanted from me.
His response…
Singleness.
What?! Oh no, your not leaving me by myself! Look at all these bitter examples of single women before me-desperate and lonely! You want me to do what?!
Singleness…
The enemy had a field day with this one!
God, what do you really want from me?
Your heart.
Are you serious? All this over my heart?!
Yup.
I weighed my options or the lack thereof, lol. I was tired of struggling for no reason. I gave my heart back to Christ.
June 3,2007.
The Perfect Storm.
My car was fixed. He used the major accident to fix the minor dent.
Work is going well.
The single life is actually fun! The secret?
I’m not really alone, lol!
Yes, I’ve lost a few friends. Some friendships haven’t been quite the same.
I don’t really “fit in” everywhere.
I really don’t want to.
I’ve been rollin’ solo quite often.
Everything happens for a reason.
Often times God uses our situations to get out attention.
I challenge you to examine your 2007. Have you gone through/are you still going through a situation that just seems like it won’t end? Ask God to show you why you are where you are.
The answer may surprise you.
You can avoid all the nonsense I went through.
Give him your heart today.
Have a blessed 2008.
This is how the Lord responds: “If you return to me, I will restore you so you can continue to serve me. -Jeremiah 15:19
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